Dear President Trump, I know you are busy visiting you good friend, Vladimir, but I wanted to write to you and offer a modern “modest proposal”.
All American citizens are greatly concerned, as you are, with the problem of all these “Mexicans” invading our country without even bothering to come in legally. If we do not do something soon, we will be, as you said, “infested” with more illegals. My proposal came to me as I was looking through a book by Jacob A. Riis, How the Other Half Lives, a study of Irish, Jewish, and other ghettos in America during the latter part of the 19th century.
First of all, every family member of illegals would need to be given a social security number as soon as he or she crosses the Rio Grande River, and children, just like ours, must be given a proper number. Then, all would be made citizens of the U. S. A. Each head of household would be given $1,000 and every other family member would receive $100. Then each family would be put on a government vehicle (old buses would work fine, after all they have just walked to here or ridden in the back of a closed truck) to be sent to a designated city where they would be used to populate certain areas of our large cities; the areas that have been deserted and abandoned. Such a city as Detroit, while making a bit of an economic comeback, could use people to live in the empty houses that dot the city. The government, accustomed to giving away, could deed any empty house to the family of any illegal. The family would be required to make improvements on the house and lot. We could place families who could not afford to make improvements on a house, or a single parent, in one of the empty factories that are scattered across Detroit. In each empty building is ample room for them all to create individual and group spaces. (I am told by my brother-in-law, an early supporter of you, that all “Mexicans” are very good at living in large groups). That could be, by the way, what you were thinking of when you used the word “infest” to describe the latest influx of illegals.
The government could supply, at nominal cost, any supplies needed to make the houses or factories habitable. Again, the supplies need not be grand because these folks are accustomed to the very basics of living. Some, I bet, didn’t have indoor plumbing, doors, or windows in their huts, so whatever we give would be an improvement for them. But because most of the cities we would send these illegals to are in the northern part of our country, glass in windows, good doors, and some type of heating system would be required for the sake of our Christian act.
Since most of the illegals were farmers of some kind in their home countries, all empty lots near the new settlements could be used as garden sites for them to grow their corn and chili peppers. (Again, my brother-in-law) assures me this is what they live on). Also, the women of these families are great growers of flowers, and our bleak cities will be beautified. A few pots and pans and a gas cook top are all that is needed to cook that type of food, so we can save money on the type of stoves we sell them. Why, come to think of it, a Coleman camp stove is all they would be needed to cook a bunch of tortillas and peppers.
As you know, Sir, Detroit is not the only city that could benefit from such a system. Baltimore, Dayton, your fine hometown, NYC, and others have vacant houses and buildings. All could be set aside for illegals. Many opportunities await us in this plan, and you would not have to build your wall, unless you want to wall them in like was done at Warsaw. In fact, my proposal would save the United States money because we would be taxing the illegals, who are instantly citizens.
Now, some folks will say you are creating ghettoes by stuffing all the “Mexicans” in one area, and, to a degree, you are. But if you have the time to look at and read Riis’ book, you will see that all those immigrants-the Jews, the Italians, the Irish, the Poles-they all rose out of those ghettoes and are now productive citizens of our great nation. Why can’t the “Mexicans” do the same? It’s a great country; let’s give them a shot.